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    Word of the week: Spike

    7 August 2020

    Definition:

    To rise or increase sharply.

    The government is fighting a daily battle against spikes in the number of new cases of Covid-19 across the country. The ‘curve’ may have been flattened and the National Health Service has been successfully re-invented as the National Covid Service, but new flare ups threaten us daily, requiring new tactics:

    Tactic 1 – Bash the north

    When virus infections increased slightly in Oldham, Boris – egged on by near-sighted SAGE scientists – ordered a lockdown across Greater Manchester, Burnley, Hyndburn, Pendle, Rossendale, Bradford, Calderdale and Kirklees. The people of the north wondered what they’d done to deserve being locked up in their own homes while those in the southern shires roamed free. The people of the south kept quiet so as not to attract his attention.

    Tactic 2 – Spanish flu

    Boris is a great historian and he understands that history repeats itself. In 1918, a second wave of Spanish flu devastated a war-torn Europe, where malnutrition was rife. Rishi Sunak’s ‘help out meal deal’ is designed to fatten people up to protect us from a second wave.

    Tactic 3 – Offer sacrifices

    Although the burning of witches has been actively discouraged for a number of years, the government is empowering local authorities to take swift action against inanimate objects. By encouraging councils to use the Public Health (Control of Disease) Act 1984 “to disinfect or decontaminate premises; or order that a building, conveyance or structure be destroyed”, it is hoped that the virus can be placated via the mediums of fire and disinfectant. Disinfecting and then burning buildings in a few towns would be used as a stark warning to the population at large who would then keep their homes scrupulously clean lest they be judged as targets for sacrifice.

    Tactic 4 – Whack-a-mole

    Boris Johnson’s most effective tactic is known as ‘whack-a-mole’. This involves the use of a large mallet to randomly smash anything that moves. So far, it has been successfully deployed to destroy the holiday industry, pubs, commuting to work, airlines and foreign travel. If the virus is not defeated soon, the mallet will be used to create mass unemployment and widespread poverty. Only when human interaction is completely annihilated can humanity be saved.