What will Boris call his baby? 11 names we hope make the cut

    30 April 2020

    Boris Johnson, and his fiancee Carrie Symonds, have welcomed a baby boy into the world. Naturally the world, amid the misery of a pandemic, has taken an interest in the good-news story of the month, including speculation as to what the baby will be called, Remember, when it comes to Johnson, it’s double or nothing — Boris has a habit of naming his children with two first names: there’s Lara Lettice, Theodore Apollo, Cassia Peaches and Milo Arthur (who must have felt a little short-changed). So to get a true Bojo progeny’s title, it’s best to take two of the below and combine them at random. Let’s see what we can rustle up…


    Johnson’s hero, and the great Tory leader of the nation in its darkest hour, this name is obvious — perhaps a little too obvious. But, given the nation is currently on lockdown, police are roaming the streets looking for examples of ‘problematic’ behaviour and monitoring our every breath, there’s nothing to say he wouldn’t equally have been named after the protagonist of the most famous of Orwellian nightmares.


    Well, these are times of national unity, and so in the spirit of reconciliation towards messers Corbyn and Hunt, we might as well try a third time for luck, and shoehorn a Jeremy into Number 10.


    What better homage to the NHS could there be than to name your son after the nurse that cared for you as you were struck down with Covid? Luis — being Portuguese — also has the advantage of helping the PM build a bridge with Europe.  A metaphorical one, I hasten to add. Although Bojo is fond of trying for literal ones, too, so he’ll need the manpower. By the time lockdown is lifted, Johnson junior might even be old enough to work on a construction site.


    A horse cartoon character, rather than some tatar riding one across a steppe, it is similar to Boris’s nickname Bojo but suitably modern and, therefore, a bit more relevant. Most Tory MPs won’t know what it is, but I daresay will see bits of themselves in the character should they decide to binge watch the show. Trendy, even, though perhaps don’t explain to the kid where it comes from until he’s a bit older.


    Johnson, much to the chagrin of his detractors, was hospitalised and in mortal danger, but rose again and was released back into the wild on Easter Sunday. Perhaps calling his son Jesus in tribute would be a little far (and a little to Mediterranean), but Brian’s life story is close enough. Neither were the messiah; both were very naughty boys. No more fitting name for a boy of such lineage, frankly.


    FBPE Twitter would go into meltdown, the New European would have hysterics and the occurrence of people uttering the phrase ‘classic Dom’ would hit the stratosphere.


    Or Lucky No.7, so that we can all keep up with how many that is now. Of course, Johnson would be accused of copying Jacob Rees-Mogg, who called his sixth child Sixtus, though of course, Sixtus isn’t Latin for six, which, seeing as no one realised, isn’t a ringing endorsement of classics teaching in this country. Of course, in the absence of a new Bond film this year, Johnson could nickname the kid 007 — though I daresay the people who seem to think Vote Leave conspired with the Russians would say it was a false flag operation.


    After Johnson’s father, Stanley, it’s a name apparently as usable by the posh as the proles. What’s more, the word has recently entered common parlance as an alternative for ‘fan’ or ‘supporter’. To ‘stan’ someone is to support them, often to a deranged extent. So, do you stan Stan, Boris? “We Stan Johnson” would make a catchy, if perhaps confusing, election slogan in five years times.


    After the Greek hero of old, Perseus. Johnson’s real name, after all, is Alexander, and a former flame supposedly nicknamed him Alexander the Great, so why not let this unabashed classist continue on a theme? If not Percy, you could try Leonidas (Leon), Pericles (Perry), Homer (Simpson) or Themistocles (miscellaneous). Or, given Carrie’s passion for protecting the seas, what about Poseidon? Don for short. Or would that be too close to ‘Donald’ for comfort?


    This way, we can spend the next two decades trying to work out who will be the good cop and who will be the bad cop. Perhaps, what with celebrities becoming statesmen and dynasties making a comeback across politics in the West, we could end up with both of them facing off against each other, or as leaders of different nations at the same time?


    Well come on, it’s about time someone named their child after me. Anyone? Please? It’s a good strong name — the sort of robust, three-syllabled affair you can set your watch to. It’s a name of popes, politicians, saints and, I can tell you from experience, sinners.