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    Credit: Michael Heath

    The death of democracy: a user’s guide

    7 May 2019

    Democracy is dying. David Lammy MP thinks that some Tory MPs are turning into nazis. Commentators are writing about the rise of autocrats and illiberal populists. Many of us watch as, year after year, MPs refuse to implement the biggest political mandate in a generation.  Is it now time to consider alternative forms of government? Here we explore some of the favourites available to us.

    Direct Rule

    His excellency Jean-Claude Juncker, the President of the European Commission has looked in pity at the failure of the British Parliament to manage its own affairs. It is within his powers to declare that the British people are unable to govern themselves and impose direct rule from Brussels, Strasbourg or, if he fancies it, the bar at the Clairefontaine restaurant in Luxembourg. Some people believe that this method of government is already in place, so the transition would be quite painless.

    Zombie Republic

    There is a growing number of politicians who have officially left political life, but never quite seem to die off. Artificially kept alive by interview requests from the BBC, they are available to step in and save us from ourselves. Although a ‘zombie government’ doesn’t have immediate appeal, the political corpses of John Major, Tony Blair and Michael Hesteltine will willingly resurrect themselves at a few seconds notice should we ever need to call on their services.

    Jeremy Socialism

    Although the old type of socialism has its detractors, the new untried socialism of Jeremy Corbyn could provide the fillip we need. By nationalising the water companies, Jeremy will equip us with a new kind of water that is purified with the tears of expropriated shareholders and pension fund managers. As we rid ourselves of capitalist greed, we will become renewed and cleansed.  A government ‘of the many’ led by the ‘few’ reliable friends of Jeremy will be a thoroughly sterilising experience.

    Matriarchal Rule of Lady Elders

    MPs have failed to work together in the interests of the nation as a whole. Feminists have pointed out that the confrontational nature of ‘male politics’ in the ‘macho’ House of Commons could be to blame. If the calming gentility of Emily Thornberry was added to the warmth and compassion of Anna Soubry, we might see a kinder politics. If we add the wise counsel of Dianne Abbott, we may see a new kind of politics entirely.

    University Suffrage

    After less than 100 years of universal suffrage, the general public has proved themselves unable to vote in an informed and educated way. Perhaps it is time for ‘university suffrage’ to replace ‘one person, one vote’. Those who have gone through the university system could be given the votes of family members who have merely worked throughout their lives. Those who understand the inner workings of society through the study of one of the social sciences could be given the additional voting rights to which they believe they deserve.

    Failed State

    The British political class could simply give up and declare itself to be a failed state. This would prompt the rapid intervention of UN peacekeepers and airlifted food supplies. Paddy Ashdown could be re-inflated and installed as Governor-in-Chief.

    People were wrong to expect politicians to accept and implement what they said at the ballot box. We must embrace the rule of our betters and accept that we don’t know best.