The humble brag
A perfectly executed humble brag is a thing of real beauty. The candid photo in your graduation gown, the boomeranged celebration cake, the perfectly posed children you managed to stop screaming for seconds long enough to capture. Social media is the best way to show off your achievements and let everyone else know that unlike all their messy, complicated lives, your curated, filtered one is pretty damn gorgeous.
Buying things just to photograph them
Everyone has done it – you’re in the mood for a plain pastry, but next to it is an avocado shaped, rainbow sprinkled doughnut served on a shell made of beads and you just have to buy the it for the gram (ok maybe you haven’t experienced this exact scenario but something pretty similar). You go eat lunch by the flower wall or order the obnoxiously shaped drink because you just can’t resist those extra likes.
Writing captions that have nothing to do with the picture
We know the reason you want to post that picture and nine times out of ten it’s because you look cute. But you need an acceptable reason- enter the search for the pointless caption. No one feels the need to tell their followers they’re ‘missing summer’ or ‘so not a morning person’ and then looks for a corresponding photo. Instead you find any excuse to share the hot bikini pic, whether that’s a fake back story, a non-sequitur comment, or, worst of all, an inspirational quote. Your thonged ass does not help me ‘reach for my dreams’.
Judging people with fewer followers
There’s a deep, underserving sense of pride in the number of followers you have and watching it slowly grow. Secretly you judge those with fewer than you, wondering why they even bother posting to such a small audience not forgetting that anyone with more followers than you is clearly far too lamely obsessed with their accounts. Your follower bracket is the only acceptable one.
Taking it personally when friends don’t like your posts
If you are in my close friendship group, that means you are required by friend law to abide by certain rules- you can’t date my ex, you will feed me ice cream when my boss is a jerk and you must like every single thing I post on all social media. If you don’t like my hilarious tweet or frankly stunning selfie, consider our friendship up for review. Social media cleanses are not accepted excuses.
Rewatching your stories and rereading your tweets
It’s like checking the fridge moments after you’ve just checked it, you know nothing’s changed and yet somehow you’re back again, bored and rewatching your stories/re-reading your tweets. At least there’s one person that appreciates their carefully crafted genius.
Pretending you don’t care
Most importantly, it is imperative nobody else knows you do any of the above or that you care too much about it. It’s not the first thing you look at in the morning or the last thing you look at before bed. You didn’t take 27 photos before picking the right one, contemplating filter options for hours before posting. You’re chill. Just like everyone else.