Seven new jobs for Donald Trump

    10 November 2020

    Finally, the inevitable has come to pass. Donald Trump has managed the clean sweep of 2020’s three great misfortunes: he’s caught coronavirus, lost his job, and lost his house.

    Though these are trying times for all of us, the outgoing president must not fret — whenever one door closes, another one opens. So what next after the White House?

    US Ambassador to Mexico

    “They’re not sending their best,” The Donald once said of the US’s southern neighbour. Well, now it’s time for Washington to return the favour. As things get ugly in the fallout after the election, and Joe Biden looks to put together his new team, he may want to take the heat off Trump by sending him somewhere hotter, dustier and in the grips of a drugs war. Having failed in his promise to “build that wall” and “get Mexico to pay for it,” the outgoing president could take the opportunity to start building bridges instead.

    We know he’s a fan of taco bowls and has a somewhat louche attitude towards women, something he once accused the hispanic men stealing across the border of sharing, so he should feel right at home.

    Social media consultant

    Want your business to gain traction on Twitter? Well boy, do we have a strategist for you. No one in history has managed to manipulate (or, frankly, weaponise) a platform as successfully as The Donald. In the era of insurgent, viral advertising, his insight could be worth its weight in gold.

    So don’t be surprised if next time a company like Tesco, when caught up in a social media storm, rather than apologising, goes on the offensive instead. “So much fake news about our customer service. We NEVER put tampons in the non-essential aisle. All lies. Nasty women in our DMs need to lighten up!!! SANITARY HARASSMENT!”

    Manager of Manchester United

    You’ve heard of “Big Ron: Football Manager,” so why not Big Don? He may be no “Mr Revie,” but Trump already has experience of English football, having inexplicably been asked to draw the teams for the fifth round of the League Cup in 1991 alongside Jimmy Greaves. Trump ended up drawing Manchester United from the hat to play hated rivals Leeds, leading Greaves to tell a baffled Trump, “Oh Donald, you don’t realise what you’ve done!”

    It’s a phrase that has been repeated daily for thirty years; Trump, clearly, liked the idea of creating that kind of chaos and decided to up the ante on a geopolitical scale.

    As it happens, United may be in need of a manager soon, and are used to having dictatorial narcissists rock up, upset everyone, but be so successful that the fans “get tired of winning”. Could you see him in a big padded coat prowling the touchline in the rain at Stoke in November? Feuding with Klopp or Mourinho? The press conferences would be gold even if silverware remained elusive.

    Director General of the BBC

    As George Osborne proved, there should be no barrier to taking on roles you aren’t really qualified for when you’re done with politics. We all suspected Trump was using his presidential run in 2016 to set up a TV network, so why not give him a ready-made one in need of new direction? Boris Johnson was supposedly looking to fill senior positions at the corporation with the likes of Charles Moore and Paul Dacre, news which irritated plenty of staff. Trump, a consummate TV professional, would be like dropping a grenade onto an anthill by comparison. He could install Ivanka to front “Newsnight,” Melania to “Question Time,” and Don Junior as an erstwhile BBC Breakfast host.

    Middle East Peace Envoy

    Forget Tony Blair – why not give the job to a man who didn’t start a war in the region, or indeed anywhere in the world, and who also managed to broker successful peace accords between Israel and a number of its Arab neighbours? I mean, sure, he fired missiles at Syria, droned a couple of folks, abandoned the Kurds to a Turkish onslaught, gave Afghanistan back to the Taliban, threatened to turn Iran into the fiery, smoking wastes of Mordor and left the rest of the place to the peace-loving humanitarians of *checks notes* Russia, but the fact remains that there are very few presidents who have avoided conflict to the same degree as Trump. Sad!

    Pro Wrestler

    Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to the WWE after a successful stretch as Hollywood’s most profitable action hero. But for all his strength and size, no man can command a stadium — or bodyslam an opponent — like Donald ‘The Hostile Takeover’ Trump. He is made for the drama and the faux violence of a world where fake tan is de rigeur, caging people is actively encouraged, and you can grab men and women in spandex by any part of their anatomy and it be considered perfectly respectable. There may even be a role for “Rowdy” Rudy Giuliani as his sidekick.

    President of the United States

    Well… There’s always 2024…