Newly elected Brexit Party MEPs turn their back on the EU anthem (Getty)

    How to be a British MEP (when you know you won’t last long)

    26 May 2019

    The European elections have drawn to a close, and we will shortly be sending our very last batch of British MEPs onto the gravy train to Brussels. But, with time ticking down to Brexit, the opportunity to make the most of this great adventure is slipping away. So, what should our elected reps get up to?

    Make the most of Brussels

    This is perhaps the last great opportunity, before Boris Johnson builds, and subsequently raises, a drawbridge over the English Channel, to explore this grey, unpleasant land. The service stations, the office blocks, the bad traffic…it’s like the gap year you never had.

    Still, the day trips to Antwerp and Bruges are always fun. Here, one can almost imagine, surrounded by the beautiful gothic architecture, that you have a proper job in Westminster.

    Push things to the limit

    Much like your last few days at school, or when you’re serving out your notice period, this isn’t a time when you’re expected to do much. It’s therefore a perfect opportunity to see how much you can get away with — riding wheely chairs down corridors, setting off firecrackers in the chamber, flipping desks, tripping eurocrats as they walk past, and generally making a nuisance of yourself.

    Ever wanted to make a speech on housing dressed as a dominatrix? Now’s your chance. Fancy lobbing waterbombs at Verhofstadt as he describes your country as immature? Go nuts. Introduce some rogue legislation about men over a certain age wearing compulsory banana hammocks in public? Make Ruislip the European capital of culture? Cut off diplomatic relations with Kazakhstan? Rename Andorra? Replace the Ode to Joy with Springtime for Hitler? Ban nipples? You’re in the right place!

    Now really is the time to see just what can be achieved in a federation of unaccountable politicians. Let’s see how unaccountable they really are.

    Blow the budget

    It is said that one of the ways former Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi used to try to seduce young women was by promising them a job as or working for MEPs. We can’t know for sure if this is true, but the perks alone are eye waveringly seductive: a six figure salary, ludicrous pension, and annual expenses of up to £400k.

    The newly elected MEP only have a handful of months to max out on this lavish lifestyle; they should see this as a second gap year, but this time with a little more fiscal firepower.

    Brussels bureaucrats are famed for being dull, so now’s the time to spice things up. Hookers and narcotics are, of course, one way of doing it – why the hell not when you’re going to lose your job anyway?

    And perhaps they could all pool their dosh and fund a really big project — a large bronze statue of Nigel Farage, say, to be placed in his seat in the parliament as a memento for when he’s gone.

    Hobnob with the stars

    Brexit has created some household names from the previously faceless mass of EU figures. Michel Barnier, Jean Claude Juncker, Donald Tusk and Guy Verhofstadt are now bonafide celebs.

    This is the time to go around collecting selfies with them for the ‘gram, making unlikely friendships, and, of course, trying to get invited to one of JCJ’s notorious lunches. We’ve all seen how he gets after a three-hour bender — ever so amenable and overly familiar.

    It’s a great opportunity; if you’re a pro EU MEP to make an ally, who might yet invite you to holiday with him at his Luxembourg pad, or if you’re pro-leave, to debag him in front of the world’s press.

    Go continental

    If you’re a newly elected Brexit Party MEP you can’t really be seen to be enjoying all the perks of the job back home when you’re supposed to loathe the EU. So why not move to the continent for good? Accept the fact that you’re now a member of the Euro elite, settle down in your French Chateau or Como Villa. Eat, drink, be merry – with any luck, the British public will quickly forget you exist.