Today’s the first day of Ho-Ho-Homeopathy, my Christmas-themed wellness pop-up. ES Magazine did an eight-page spread on it last week because I sent them all some personalised hummus and because Evgeny Lebedev was my dad’s fag at school or something. But there’s no guarantee anyone will turn up.
Which would be a pity because I think Christmas is such an important time to be mindful about your health, wellbeing, happiness and cookbook sales. At this time of the year it can be really difficult to make positive choices about what we put in our bodies. Every social occasion seems geared towards alcohol, fatty foods, and people I haven’t seen since school laughing in the room next door and then going suddenly very quiet when I walk in.
My pop-up offers healthy alternatives to the usual Christmas fare. Champagne, for example, contains lots of sulphites, those nasty little things that make you call your ex-boyfriend at three in the morning and tell him that you’re actually really, really happy and glad. At Ho-Ho-Homeopathy we show you that you can have just as much fun with half a litre of unpasteurised saffron water, and for around the same price as a magnum of Krug. Bargain! Instead of turkey and stuffing, we advocate pottering around in the garden for a bit until everyone else has finished eating. And all those midnight chocolate cravings can be replaced pretty niftily with a timed lock on the cupboard door and a good old-fashioned burpee.
But the innovation I’m most excited about is our Gladvent Calendars, which replace your daily choccy with a reason to be mindfully grateful. Highlights include ‘Your friends are probably just envious of you, that’s all’ and ‘Reebok just paid you £5k for a sponsored tweet about shoelaces’. We’re even selling traditional Christmas hampers with a sneaky twist. Instead of getting to keep the inside after you’ve bought it, we ship the entire thing over to a family in Mozambique provided they’re happy to pay the customs duty and like Fortnum’s potted shrimp.
So a great day out for the family. Tickets start at £29, and early birds get a free ten minutes in our own special Santa’s Grotto, where St Nick reads a short statement apologising to all the girls who have sat on his lap since the mid-1970s. Merry Christmas!
As told to Joseph Bullmore