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    Full-figured copulation and Morrissey: the Literary Review’s ‘Bad Sex Award’

    2 December 2015

    To the In & Out club in St James’s Square where the great, good and sexually challenged gathered to await the results of one of the literary world’s most infamous prizes. Now in its 22nd year, the Bad Sex in Fiction award celebrates the worst sex scenes of the year where ‘the great game is to spoil your literary novel with a bit of sexiness’.

    While the nominated authors — who included George Pelecanos, Joshua Cohen, Richard Bausch and Morrissey — may not have wanted to actually enter the game, their guilty words were read out to the audience in all their glory. As muscular thighs, wet waterslides and ripe mangoes echoed across the room to cackles of laughter, it was Morrissey who was deemed to have the worst sex scene. The criminal passage — as below — is from his book List of the Lost and includes the phrase ‘one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation’ to describe sexual intercourse:

    ‘At this, Eliza and Ezra rolled together into one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.’

    Nancy Dell’Olio took to the stage to present the award — letting slip that she has only rarely suffered the misfortune of bad sex as it ‘takes two’. With Nancy dashing off to ‘do something with a cigar’ somewhere else, it was time for Morrissey to collect his prize.

    Arthur House and Nancy Dell'Olio

    Arthur House and Nancy Dell’Olio

    Alas, Morrissey was nowhere in sight. The organiser put his absence down to the fact they served meat canapés when the die-hard vegetarian refuses to be in the same room as meat. His publisher too must suffer from the same affliction as they also couldn’t make it. In fact, neither could any of his friends, meaning it fell on the music critic Charles Shaar Murray to accept the prize on his behalf:

    ‘Ladies and gentleman in an ideal world, this award would be received by Morrissey. Or by somebody who publishes Morrissey. Or by somebody who likes Morrissey. Unfortunately no such person could be found.’

    With the ceremony over, attendees did their best to make up for Morrissey’s absence by drinking late into the night in his honour before being turfed out by club security.