Five scents we’d rather have than Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina-scented candle

Last week Gwyneth Paltrow released a new candle called ‘This smells like my Vagina’. Who knew that you could bottle your lady garden, and sell it for $75? But it does raises the question – what other more desirable scents are we missing out on? Gwyneth’s candle sold out in a day. Here’s our list of five alternatives we reckon could beat that record and be swept up in minutes.

Andrew Scott’s upper lip sweat

We know this might sound dated and the world may have moved on from hot priest, but we have not forgotten. The word ‘kneel’ still send shivers down my spine. If I could just smell those dewy beads of heaven that rest on Andrew Scott’s perfect pink lip moments before he snogs the face off Fleabag, all may seem right in the world. I’d light the candle every night before bed and hope for some very blasphemous dreams.

The Prime Minister’s pheromones

Our Prime Minister is not the most aesthetically blessed man in the world, yet he seems strangely alluring to so many women. His current beau Carrie is considerably younger than him but was wooed by Boris and we somehow doubt it was due to his physique or floppy mane. After much analysis, the answer must be some potently powerful pheromones. It’s the only answer that makes sense. Get us a candle of this stuff and it’s bound to send partners wild with desire. As a side note, the Vagina candle may come in useful for Boris- “no Carrie, I swear I haven’t had another woman in No 10, I’ve just been lighting the Gwyneth candle, that’s all.”

Labour’s campaign headquarters at 10:01 on Dec 12^th

The smell of defeat, of desperation, of socialist plans gone awry as the nervous BO begins to permeate the air. Not my personal choice for date night, but I can imagine it being a killer in sales. The target audience isn’t just giddy Conservatives keen to relive their crowning moment, but so many Labour supporters who (from their current voting intentions) seem desperate to recreate the moment. Maybe they can make a special perfume of it just for Rebecca Long Bailey.

My ex boyfriend’s tears

Not sure this needs much more explanation. I would light the thing up every morning to remind myself to expect and demand better. I’d place it in public view of any future paramours visiting my house, its label clearly visible, as a warning sign – if you play with me, I wont take you back through your tears, I will melt them into wax and revel while they burn.

Harry and Meghan’s Homesick Candle

As Harry and Meghan depart the UK with frightening speed, they’re bound to miss England and all it has to offer. So in order to alleviate some of that painful homesickness, how about the creation of a new candle that smells exactly like dear old Blighty? I suggest some base notes of English tea, a dollop of fish and chips, a dash of freshly cut cricket lawns, a flourish of rain and just a sprinkle of racism…. mmmm smells like home.