Life
    Culture

    Brexit Fatigue: a diagnosis

    4 March 2019

    If you or a loved one exhibit any of the symptoms below do not hesitate to seek medical advice.

    The condition

    Brexit fatigue is a neurological condition that affects between 48-52 per cent of the population. The more time that passes since the triggering of Article 50, the faster the disease spreads. It is prevalent in people of all political persuasions, causing a lack of interest, sense of lethargy and, in its worst forms, outbursts of hysteria or silent weeping at the very mention of the words Brexit, backstop and hard border.

    The symptoms

    Brexit Fatigue begins in many ways. Victims have been known to shrug their shoulders with indifference when presented with Guardian articles on how Brexit will cause typhoid in primary school children, or how diabetics will be forced to hunt each other to steal the last drops of insulin. Others report an overwhelming desire to remove their clothes whilst being interviewed on national radio. Depression and anxiety are also common symptoms, particularly among those facing ferry cancellations, delayed flights, or the ire of Lord Adonis. BF can also turn the most pleasant of people into hardline leavers, desperate for the whole thing to be over. A general feeling of foreboding is not uncommon, and nor is spontaneous vomiting or, occasionally, bleeding from the eyes, when viewing footage of Jean Claude Juncker.

    How can you prevent it?

    A good diet of chlorinated chicken has been found to boost the immune system and reinvigorate the soul, warding off the worst symptoms. The condition can also be averted by not living in the UK. Instances of Brexit Fatigue in the Rift Valley, Andes or Kandahar, for example, are quite low. You can also avoid it by having duel nationality of an EU country, so long as it isn’t Ireland, and is Germany. You can also alleviate symptoms by moving a small portion of your savings (say, £30-40m, tops) into a Swiss bank account, just in case.

    When to seek help

    Should you realise your sole take on Brexit has become ‘had it been a Thick of It script, it would have been rejected for being too outlandish,’ or you start avoiding dinner invitations for fear of having to discuss the subject, you may wish to consider seeing a psychiatrist, or engaging in a round of talking therapy. If you find yourself contemplating forming, joining, or a member of a new centrist party, you should contact your GP immediately. And, should you find yourself spontaneously removing items of clothing by way of a political protest, it is vital to refer yourself to a psychiatric clinic. Or apply for tenure at Oxbridge, as apparently that’s the same thing.

    Treatment

    Trials in experimental quasi-Ludovico techniques involving watching reruns of England’s World Cup journey showed promise and a short-lived boost in patriotic positivity, but were ultimately abandoned for being ‘barbaric’. Victims are therefore advised to seek out a change of scene to alleviate the worst of the symptoms. Leper colonies have proved popular destinations as, depending on your view, they help people realise how much worse life could be, or help condition them to the realities of a No Deal Brexit. Or help them contract leprosy, which gets rid of the patient, and therefore the problem, altogether.

    Waiting times for treatment are down to just two years on the NHS, which theoretically will reduce even further once we leave and get that £350m windfall, right? Though, that said, should the whole thing be extended, who knows, you could be left waiting indefinitely. Should sufferers run out of patience, they are encouraged to contact Dignitas. In fact, you could just skip straight to this step and save yourself a lot of pain.