Be kind to millennials: you may end up working for them

    14 May 2019

    “Be nice to nerds,” said the author Charles Sykes, “you may end up working for them.” It’s often misattributed to Bill Gates, and it’s not hard to see why; Gates, once dubbed by Channel 4 News ‘The world’s greatest computer nerd,’ is a multibillionaire so many times over you could die before counting it all. Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk may give off the faux aroma of some kind of ubermensch, as did Steve Jobs, but there’s no question that they’re cut from the same cloth as Gates. And they employ so, so many people.

    After their typically difficult school years, nerds emerge victorious from their cocoon of victimhood. Not so for millennials.

    School may have ended but millennials have yet to shrug off their victim status. In fact, they’ve discovered a world beyond the school gates where persecution awaits around every corner. University is apparently so nightmarish they require safe spaces and bans on anything that breaths to protect themselves from barbed verbal abuse, and once they graduate, they are harangued on all sides by older generations for their snowflakery. Labels are flung at them from every angle: they are lazy, they are entitled, they care too much about the environment, they eat too many avocados. Always, always with the avocados.

    Of course, all of this is great fun. I myself have been guilty of mocking my contemporaries for their neurotic ways. But increasingly, I feel a sense of unease about it.

    I bullied, and was bullied, mercilessly at school. It’s quite a thing to be 12 years old and big into Airfix models, medieval history and pokemon cards 6 months after the rest of your class moved on, or just bypassed that phase completely. You and a band of three or four sturdy souls hold on, grimly, until your hormones kick in and suddenly you’re a little bigger, good at sport and have learned to not use the crusades as a conversation starter with members of the opposite sex. Now you are the apex predator, preying on the weak and nerdy, taking out years of pent-up frustration on kids who wear glasses and get better grades.

    That stage doesn’t seem to have happened to most millennials. They are still at the weakling phase; financially disenfranchised, fussy about food, and prone to grassing people up to the teacher when someone says something naughty. This is worrying.

    By hook or by crook, slowly, this generation is going to climb the corporate ladder. They are going to find themselves in positions of power and authority, and when it happens, there will be no magnanimity. Couple this with the fact that people are living and working for longer, and you have a recipe for disaster.

    You can just picture it now. The ice caps are melted, and all the snowflakes are here — and they blame older people for it. It will be brutality on an unimaginable scale, made all the worse by the fact Millennials think everyone over the age of 35 is probably a Nazi who stole their future, justifying their vengeful zeal.

    Gangs of suited 35-year-olds will soon roam the corridors. The working day will become 18 hours for anyone born before 1987, as line managers patrol hot desks with megaphones and cattleprods questioning their ailing workforce’s work ethic. That holiday leave you’re entitled to? “Oh, I’m sorry, did you say ‘entitled’? Ooooh, sorry mum, remember all those birthdays you told me that’s what I shouldn’t become? Yeah, get back to work, slacker.”

    The woke, left-leaning generation is going to go corporate badly. Forget what you think about Wall Street, the City or anything else — the worst is yet to come. You think they’re anti free speech now? Just wait until answering back can be contractually met with a Chinese Burn. Working into our 80s will be onerous enough without being bossed around by people we’ve mercilessly mocked for 30 years. So be nice to Millennials, everybody. You just might end up working for one.