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    Britain's Meghan, Duchess of Sussex (L) and Britain's Prince Harry, Duke of Sussex (R) return to Buckingham Palace after the Queen's Birthday Parade, 'Trooping the Colour', in London on June 8, 2019. - The ceremony of Trooping the Colour is believed to have first been performed during the reign of King Charles II. Since 1748, the Trooping of the Colour has marked the official birthday of the British Sovereign. Over 1400 parading soldiers, almost 300 horses and 400 musicians take part in the event. (Photo by Daniel LEAL-OLIVAS / AFP) (Photo credit should read DANIEL LEAL-OLIVAS/AFP/Getty Images)

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    A woke guide to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex

    31 July 2019

    The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are sensitive to accusations that they are wasting public money and have executed the extensive renovations of their new home Frogmore Cottage with the utmost care. To demonstrate that they are spending wisely, they are reputed to have hired the Clooneys and Beckhams favourite designer, Vicky Charles, to model the interior of Frogmore Cottage. Vicky has helped some of the world’s most powerful people to exude social awareness whilst living in luxury. She is rumoured to have created a unique aesthetic, mixing the tastes of the liberal Hollywood elite with Harry’s Royal tradition. It may include:

    A room full of mirrors to enhance female self-empowerment

    Meghan is a longstanding supporter of women’s empowerment and equality. She has vowed to use her new position as The Duchess of Sussex to encourage women to achieve what she has. Every girl should have a room full of mirrors, so that she can look at herself and think, “I too can be a Duchess”.

    A specially commissioned rainbow tartan rug

    In June, Pride month, the Royal couple shared a message on their official Instagram account “This month we pay tribute to the [social media] accounts supporting the LGBT+.” “Because it’s very simple: love is love.” What better way to immortalise this message than on your living room floor where none of your guests will miss it?

    Cushions woven from anti-Donald Trump ‘pussyhats’

    Although, when visiting the UK,  Donald Trump said that Meghan would make “a very good American Princess”, Meghan believes that The Donald is “divisive” and “misogynistic”. As the household staff plump the “Pussyhat” cushions it would remind them that inequality is a bad thing.

    Organic and vegan design

    Organic, vegan paint was used to colour Archie’s nursery walls and Meghan can confirm that no animals were killed during the decoration. Like his father, Harry prefers organic farming methods to the soulless efficiency of modern industrial agriculture. He enjoys the simple pleasure of watching farm labourers toil by hand to produce Royal dinners without the use of modern techniques. The Royal couple can help restore both the beauty of feudal social relations and the natural order of things by insisting on organic.

    A large table

    After all, in her maiden speech to the UN Meghan did say that “women need a seat at the table, they need an invitation to be seated there and, in some cases when this is not available, they need to create their own table”. We look forward to seeing the fruit of Meghan’s carpentry classes.

    Woke guests

    We look forward to Meghan inviting her friends from Hollywood and American high society to visit Frogmore Cottage. But who will be first?

    Leonardo DiCaprio recently released a documentary titled Before the Flood, where he stares out of airplane windows and issues earnest pleas to stop climate change. Leonardo believes that we should take radical action, like stopping air travel, so perhaps he will land his airplane nearby for a visit?

    Patricia Arqette is one of America’s top actresses, who discovered her oppression during the Harvey Weinstein scandal. She shares Meghan’s concern with the difficulties faced by the most famous and highly paid women in Hollywood. Perhaps she will drop by to swap stories and share their pain?

    While the Queen is forced to host heads of government on official duty, Meghan and Harry can do their bit for Britain at Frogmore, forging vital links with LA and furthering the cause of high society feminism.

    If the grand coalition of Hollywood and the British Royal Family provides as much entertainment as we anticipate, it will be worth every penny of your hard-earned taxes. Just don’t expect to be invited round for tea.