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    A woke guide to climate change protesting

    10 October 2019

    When Extinction Rebellion protestors accidentally sprayed themselves in fake blood, instead of the Home Office building, people had the audacity to laugh. When a climate activist tried to glue himself to an automatic door, bystanders shamelessly smirked as each time he moved towards it with his outstretched, superglued hand, the door evaded him. They won’t be laughing when all the animals are dead, and the sea is washing up to their front door.

    We must ditch modern comforts and take protest to the streets. We must accept the three simple demands from Extinction Rebellion.

    1. Tell the truth

    “Governments must start to tell the truth about the climate emergency.”

    It may be true that predictions of earthly collapse have been made for the past three decades and not much has changed. It is also true that the global temperature has increased by little over 1 degree centigrade in the past 100 years. But we cannot ignore the global consensus that the world is going to end soon. It is a provable fact that climate activists have commissioned researchers to prove that there is a consensus amongst climate researchers to demonstrate that their research shows that they have been commissioned to find a consensus on climate catastrophe.

    We demand that the government tell the truth about the climate consensus!

    2. Act now

    “We demand that our government acts now to reduce greenhouse gas emissions to net zero by 2025.”

    A Climate Emergency necessitates Emergency Measures and the government must introduce the following Climate Laws:

    • A ‘bag for life’ must be legally binding. Everyone must buy one bag from Tesco and use it throughout their life
    • Electronic items should henceforth be made out of hemp
    • Wind up street lights should be introduced across the capital. Extinction Rebellion activists will pledge to spend their extensive annual leave winding each light on a rolling rota system.

    3. A citizens’ assembly

    “Government must create and be led by the decisions of a Citizens’ Assembly on climate and ecological justice.”

    We have tried to persuade our fellow citizens to fear the Climate Emergency, but most people have responded in a half-hearted manner. In a bid to persuade, we have created ‘The Science’ of climate change and staged a consensus of world opinion at the United Nations. We have organised ‘Earth Days’ where cities are shrouded in darkness. We have educated young people into believing that adults have ‘stolen their future’ and encouraged them to take to the streets. It is clear that the majority are not open to reason and must be actively encouraged to change their behaviour by Citizens Assemblies. Assemblies will be responsible for enforcing Climate Laws at a local level. A Climate Police force will be created to assist the local constabulary in identifying Climate Criminals with the power to arrest those using plastic bottles where necessary.

    The demonstration where fake blood was meant to be sprayed onto the Home Office should be an inspiration to us all. As the fire engine hosepipe jerked like an enraged snake across the road, spurting fake blood into our eyes and covering everyone with the shame of climate destruction, we felt alive.

    Live by fear! Come alive through panic! Long live the planet!