A Trumpian guide to the Middle East

    27 January 2020

    The Middle East according to Donald J. Trump, as imagined by Benedict T. Spence…

    The Middle East is a complicated place, folks. It’s very big, very east, lotta bad guys out there:


    Lotta rocks, folks. Lotta rocks, no oil. That’s where Dubya went wrong, picked the wrong stan. Not smart. Those Taliban, they aren’t the best people. Bad hombres. It’s the beards, folks, you can always tell, just like Ted Cruz. We invited ‘em to Camp David, but they killed one of our guys. Not nice. We had to bomb a lotta houses. I actually think it made improvements. But we won’t be building a Trump hotel there, no way. Or a golf course. Nah, wouldn’t work. Too many rocks.


    General Sully was a bad guy, a real bad guy. He had it coming. He’d attacked before, he was planning to again. I saw his tweets. Nasty attacks. Guess the joke’s on him, his tweets never blew up like mine, but he did.

    It’s not a nice place. And their best female athlete has just defected! She’s the best they have!!! I still wouldn’t date her. Not even if she was my daughter.

    IRAN WILL NEVER HAVE A NUCLEAR WEAPON! You can rest assured. Creepy Khomenei wanted one, and now so does Weepy Khamenei. It’s not happening. What’s that? Sure, I know the difference. One’s creepy, one’s weepy. Ayatoldyah, I’m very smart.


    There was a bad war there guys, let me tell you. Yuge. Lot of damage. Not the biggest war, but pretty big. I told Dubya not to, but he did, because he wasn’t smart.

    But it’s where the oil is, folks. Lots of oil. It’s a hell of a business — we gotta get our people out, but we also gotta fly ‘em in so we can keep drilling. The United States is now the world’s biggest producer of oil and gas. That happened under this White House. But the fake news media won’t report that, because they lie. But we gotta keep Iraq’s oil too, folks. We gotta do it. We can’t let Russia, or Iran, or China get their hands on it, because then they’d be the biggest. Can’t let it happen. America First!


    Love it. Great place, great people. Love Tel Aviv, great real estate, doing very well. The United States will always be a friend to Israel. Jerusalem is a little old. Could be bigger. I’ve definitely seen bigger. We wouldn’t build a Trump hotel there either, not the right feel. An embassy, but not a hotel. I don’t think a lot of people vacation there.

    I love Bibi. Wife’s a state but you take what you can. I offered to lend him one of mine! That Ayelet Shaked, though, she’s a pistol. Loved her in the Peloton ad. Someone told me she’s a fascist. Too bad she’s married! I hear her husband’s a pilot but I bet my plane’s bigger.


    I think that’s in Jerusalem. Or near it, whatever, I don’t care. Hamas is awful, it doesn’t go with meatloaf.


    Weak Barack Hussein Obama drew red lines in Syria. And then ass-hat Assad went and stamped all over ‘em. Weak! He tried the same thing with Donald J Trump. Didn’t go so well! Blew ‘em all to Hell! Well, some of ‘em. A few buildings. But a load of bad guys! Well, like four bad guys. I don’t know, who’s counting?


    Turkey has been very bad lately. It’s been buying missiles from Putin, which isn’t nice, and it’s been attacking Kurds, also not nice. I told it that it could, but that was then. Turkey was very bad. I’ll pardon it at Thanksgiving though – I can do that, you know.

    We need Turkey and Moustache Man to take it down a notch. You can’t just go round attacking who you want, that’s my thing. I know he sees himself as a ‘Neo-Ottoman’ kinda guy, but I told him he didn’t need to go into Syria for that, I could get him one from Macy’s.

    I’ve probably got twenty Ottomans at Mar-a-Lago. Yuge Neo-Ottomans. I don’t know the details, Melania does that, but they’re the biggest Neo-Ottomans. The best you can get. Very big. Very neo.