Life
    Culture

    A handy guide to ‘the rule of six’

    18 September 2020

    The schools are open, office workers are gradually returning to work and many pubs and restaurants are doing a decent trade. Life was slowly getting back to normal. In response, the government has taken decisive action to put a stop to it. They have ruled that no more than 6 people, in England, can meet.

    Why six?

    Faced with confusing data, conflicting scientific advice and an unknown future, Matt Hancock has become obsessed with numbers. He prefers to deal with one number at a time and today’s number is six. It is rumoured that he discovered this number by one of the following methods:

    • Matt recently watched the film ‘Six degrees of Separation’ where Kevin Bacon kicks out an unwanted dinner party guest. Matt reasoned that culling friends was the best way to rein in the spread of the virus.
    • Matt relaxes by playing Monopoly with himself. Understandably, his favourite dice roll is six. Unfortunately, Matt has mislaid his second dice, otherwise we may have been allowed to meet up with the rest of our football team, plus the ref.
    •  In a deal with the devil to stave off the second wave, Matt has promised to spell out 666 in government policies. We may have already hit 6 million on the NHS waiting list. It is anticipated that the third evil will be 6 million unemployed. Matt’s policies are on track and Matt hopes to have his soul returned to him by the end of the year.
    • Matt thinks that ‘sneezy’ is not an appropriate dwarf in Covid time, so he wants the Seven Dwarfs reduced to 6.
    • Matt lost count shortly after counting the fingers on his first hand.

    Government Ministers have emphasised that, although the ‘rule of 6’ has no scientific basis and little logic, it is ‘simple’. The government recognises that Covid-19 has affected our brains. Although the disease itself does not affect cognition, our fearful reaction to Covid has rendered us incapable of independent thought or pragmatic decision-making. The government must intervene with simple rules until we regain our critical faculties.

    How have people reacted?

    People’s response to the rule seems to hinge on the number of friends that they actually have.

    Younger people, who have lots of friends from amongst the 600 or so that they go to school with everyday, have concluded that meeting in the park after school won’t make much difference.

    Many older people who have whittled their friends down to 3 or 4 prized companions, like to pretend that they have lots more. Some have complained that it will hamper their social life, although they are secretly relieved that they don’t have to spend time with people that they don’t really like anyway.