Life
    Culture

    A handy guide to staying safe

    11 September 2020

    Boris Johnson has a declared a new state of emergency in the never-ending war against a Coronavirus. In this unprecedented crisis, how do we make sure that we stay safe?

    1.    Avoid youth

    Young people shamelessly still appear to believe that they have lives worth living. Many of them are brazenly meeting in groups, spreading the virus and putting themselves at risk of “exemplary arrests”. Although few of them fall ill, young people are dangerous. They can infect you in two ways. Firstly, they may pass on the disease. But, worst of all, they may poison you with false hope. The joys of having a social life, enjoying the company of friends and possibly even meeting new people are not pleasures we should be seeking in this day and age. Only when we are resigned to a permanent state of loneliness and isolation, can we find true peace.

    2.    Unleash your inner Covid marshal

    The government is introducing Covid marshals to patrol the streets, pubs, buses and trains to punish people who are non-compliant. However, those of us who believe in safety can also do our bit. Simply write ‘Covid Safety’ on the back of a spare hi-viz jacket and patrol your local area with a megaphone.

    Practice shouting ‘Mask Yourself’ and ‘Granny Killer’ before tackling errant neighbours and disobedient youth. Utilise your high pressure washer if you wish to break up groups of more than six people.

    3.    Close your town

    The best way to stay safe is to ensure that you live in an area that is in total lockdown. Your town will be chosen for curfews, bans and house arrests, if the number of people testing positive goes above 20 per 100,000. So, encourage all your neighbours to get tested and guarantee that your neighbourhood is closed for everyone’s safety. Why not put up a plaque to commemorate the moment when your town reached the ‘Covid Watch List’.

    4.    Don’t be deceived

    Although the official figures currently show a minimal increase in Covid hospitalisations or deaths, it is important that safety takes precedence over any immediate pleasure that life may afford.

    Even if the data points to a different conclusion, you must cultivate the ability to interpret the facts in safe way. Should you happen to hear about the empty Covid wards in your local hospital and misinterpret this as a cause for celebration, turning on the TV should act as a sufficient reminder that the nation is still in peril.

    If you are tempted to break the rules – even in a limited and specific way – then it’s best to confess your thoughts to your local police force before the situation gets out of hand.

    5.    Save the NHS

    The NHS has been successfully protected from patients since the outbreak. Although most hospitals have very few Covid patients and the Nightingale hospitals have been closed, it is essential that we continue to protect the health service from people who are unwell.

    By pursuing a relentless and ruthless focus on Covid-19, the government can stay safe. When it comes to the next election, we will thank them for closing homes, pubs, schools and offices and for keeping hospitals empty. Stay safe. Save Matt Hancock’s job.