Life
    Culture

    A handy guide to having fun

    2 October 2020

    The summer has ended, the nights are drawing in and the weather is cooling off. This is the time of year when we all need something to look forward to and a bit of fun. However, the endless War on Covid is putting a bit of a dampener on things. Lockdowns are spreading rapidly throughout the land and some people haven’t been out much since last winter. How can we inject a bit of jollity into our lives? How can we have some fun?

    Student Life

    Students are famous for enjoying themselves. They are controversially known to drink too much and lay waste to the city centres after dark. The government is saving them the trouble by bankrupting the bars and trashing night clubs before they even get there – far more effectively than a staggering fresher who has had one too many Vodkas from the local 24-hour Tesco.

    Although it isn’t much fun being barricaded into a Halls of Residence, students are finding happiness by getting drunk in the comfort of their own shared kitchen and simply crawling to bed, saving money on late night taxi fares. Students no longer need to worry about getting into trouble when missing lectures, because there aren’t any. Instead they can play ‘guess the size of my student loan’ while they all work out what they’re actually paying for.

    App games

    The NHS has launched a fun new app called ‘Track Me, Trace Me, Quarantine Me’. It could change your life! It’s a game that will turn your world upside down. A few years ago, Pokemon Go stormed the world, this is more like Pokemon STOP. Tinder became popular with people who wanted to find a date, but this app helps you avoid people that you will never meet. This is how the game works: the app tracks people down and tags them with an ‘infection’. This forces them out of the game for 14 days.

    If enough people in one area are tagged, their entire town will be sent into Lockdown. The app is free to download, but comes with a high cost. You will gain an extra thrill from the risk of losing your liberty, your livelihood and possibly your savings.

    Neighbourly fun

    Nosy neighbours are not usually a barrel of laughs. However, the anti-Covid regulations have roused in them a new sense of fun. Once shunned as loners, who often resented people around them, curtain-twitchers are taking a renewed pleasure by spying on people in their street. Bolstered by their new status, as Covid Regulation Intelligence, they form an informal network of government informants. Each night they carefully research the new tranche of regulations and laws, safe in the knowledge that no-one else understands them. Immense pleasure can be derived from informing on large families, lively teenagers, people singing in pubs, mingling dog-walkers and failed attempts to pursue a normal life. Images of students imprisoned in tower blocks only spurs them on.

    Look forward to Christmas

    We used to complain that the shops promoted Christmas earlier and earlier, every year. But, this year, the government has beaten them to it. Boris Johnson’s regime has sequestrated Christmas and is holding it to ransom. Only if we are good boys and girls will we receive any presents or enjoy a gathering for friends and family. If we do not do as we are told, the whole thing will be cancelled to teach us a lesson. The national family holiday has been nationalised.

    If fun cannot be found in any of these activities, console yourself with the laughter that future historians will experience when they write about this chapter in our history. The joke is on us.