With the anticipated opening of the new live action Lion King we’re all reminiscing about how great the first one was and how hot those lions were (hello teenage Simba). Here’s a list of 7 reasons it’s ok to openly, proudly fancy a cartoon animal without questioning whether attraction to a four legged figure is dangerously close to bestiality.
1. They’re not real animals
Let’s start off with the obvious one. They’re anthropomorphised. Fancying a walking, talking animation who maybe wears clothes, or at least rolls its eyes, is not the same as lusting after videos of animals on youtube (if the latter is what you do, then this list is not for you. Please seek help immediately)
2. Have you heard their voices?
I’m sorry, but if they didn’t want me to yearn after animals then they shouldn’t have given them such velvety, loin quaking accents- have you heard Idris Elba as that buffalo in Zootopia? Donald Glover (a complete heartthrob) voices Simba in the new film (yes please) but even James Earl Jones as Mufassa in the original (he’s kept the part for the new one), had a husky tone to make any lioness roar. (note: for some reason Dath Vader did nothing for me)
3. It’s all about the attitude
It’s not just about the looks. (Weird to say of an animal, but it’s true). It’s about the demeanour, the character, the attitude. The best example of this is the fox from Robin Hood. The impish, cheeky way he stole from the rich to give to the poor makes him the sexiest socialist you’ve ever seen (not particularly tough competition). He’s not built with orange abs, or bushy biceps, instead he charms his way into your heart and maybe your Sherwood Forest.
4. The Beast is more attractive than the prince
I understand that it was good for all the people turned into pots in the castle and probably for the Beast himself, who must’ve been sick of finding his own hair everywhere, but I imagine Belle was pretty peeved when she finally finds her broad, towering, animal lover, only to have him turn into the weedy blonde prince.
5. You can fancy a killer but I can’t fancy a benevolent dog
We all fancy strange characters in films, seen most clearly with the strew of sexy serial killers taking over our tvs. And while you wouldn’t want to date one in real life, when watching through a screen your standards becomes skewed. Suddenly you’d look past the psychopath tendencies and the bodies in the garden for one night alone with that murderous hunk. From Dexter to Villanelle and every smouldering vampire in between, these crushes don’t mean you’re going to start tindering outside maximum penitentiaries just like I wont start dousing myself in pheromones and spending date nights at the zoo.
6. It’s not about the species
Just to prove that it’s not about the animal but about the person the creature embodies we only need look at mice. Mice have been portrayed in a number of cartoons and movies and yet some of them are fit and some are not. Basil the Great Mouse Detective – hot. All the mice in Cinderella – not hot. Dangermouse – hot (love an eye patch). Both Pinky and The Brain – not hot. It takes more than just big ears and a tail to be a MILF (mouse I’d like to…). I’ll leave you to make up your own mind on Remi the Rat from Ratatouille. The question of his attractiveness status was raised at a party I recently attended and I’m not sure the broken friendships can ever be restored.
7. No one can call you shallow
Everyone has at some point been accused of being shallow, but when you fancy an animated animal this can hardly be the case. If I can be attracted to an illustration with a bushy tail, a computer generated cat and even a realistic looking lion my standards are obviously pretty wide. Any animal or character can be made attractive with the right drawing, voice and most importantly character. You could say beauty is in the eye of the pen holder.