The applications are being whittled down for Dominic Cummings’ job advertisement for ‘weirdos and misfits with odd skills’. So far, Hollywood has been overlooked as a potential recruitment pool. But, as the Oscars showed, there’s nothing A listers love more than a bit of political grandstanding so isn’t it time a few of them got a taste of realpolitik? We take a look at some of the names who could figure on the final shortlist:
Ye is a fan of populists, having already said he would vote for Donald Trump and being pictured with the president in the Oval Office. He is the self-proclaimed ‘voice of a generation,’ which is exactly what the Tories are trying to tap into. He is keen to upend the status quo, storming stages at award shows, and Barack Obama thinks he’s ‘a jackass’; he showed, er, original thinking when he claimed that slavery was a mental state of being. He is, in some ways, a lot like Boris Johnson — no matter how many gaffes he makes, it never seems to negatively affect his popularity. Perhaps a stint as Dom’s assistant would be a good apprenticeship for America’s top job.
This is a government full of heterosexual straight folks in need of some diversity training. Enter Jamil, whose Twitter feed is like reading a teacher’s detention list of people who haven’t played by the new school rules: mainly white men. Who wouldn’t listen to a Hampstead-raised, privately educated multimillionaire actress about oppression and fail to be inspired? She’s just the kind of woke crusader Downing Street needs if it is to understand the culture wars. Not only could she police the cabinet’s use of pronouns, she could offer them the perfect formula for winning another majority in five years: note down her advice and then do the exact opposite.
The Salisbury spies: Alexander Mishkin and Anatoliy Chepiga
Cummings says he has a network of spies working all across Westminster, so never has there been a more opportune moment for two GRU members currently out of favour with their political masters to climb back to the top and dob in some civil servants. They’d also be a good fit for the Building Better, Building Beautiful Commission. We know how much these two champion traditional English architecture, and I suspect they’d come in handy in the process of twisting local councillors’ arms to force through planning applications.
I can see this being a good match. Paltrow, a Hollywood actress, has relaunched herself as a lifestyle guru and entrepreneur in the last few years and fancies herself as being in touch with the zeitgeist. So where to put her? Why not a Public Health brief? After getting droves of the public to purchase her vagina-scented candle, we’re pretty sure she could persuade the morbidly obese to go on a Gwyneth ‘air’ diet, slashing millions off the NHS’s gastric band budget.
He is an oddball, is pretty nifty with computers, algorithms, targeted ads and the like, and even just hiring him for the day would be worth it for Carole Cadwalladr’s response.
Remember Cantona? The upturned collars, the heavy brow, the beer adverts, the assaults on members of the public? We know Dominic Cummings likes people who think outside of the box and his unpredictable penchant for violence should help instil fear in Michel Barnier during the next round of EU negotiations (‘Don’t anger ‘im, Sabine!’) and as a continental, he’ll know how the other side thinks.
Philosopher AC Grayling once described Brexit as ‘a desperate last grab at a nostalgic fantasy of Britain’. Now Brexit is done, the mad professor will be at a loose end with plenty of nostalgic European fantasies of his own. Perhaps there will be a spot for his, ahem, different way of looking at things in Boris Johnson’s government? He can reintroduce continental breakfasts into number 10, schedule in siestas and generally try and inspire those errant leave voting cabinet members towards a feeling of Bregret. And if he isn’t up to the job, perhaps they could always resurrect Andrew Adonis. Or Yasmin Alibhai Brown. If Dominic Cummings is really serious about hiring the weird and wacky, the Remain camp have provided him with an inexhaustible supply.