Lords, Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages: the moment you’ve been waiting for has finally arrived. Harry and Meghan, Duke and Duchess of Sussex, are calling time on their membership of the royal family, deciding to live a financially independent existence, and flying off into the sunset for the snowy wilds of Canada, to live among the trees and elk, beavers and bobcats, presumably to get involved in the fur trade, or logging business, in order to support themselves.
Of course, they’ll be doing nothing of the sort. Despite having been effectively raised on a grouse moor, shooting and clubbing animals for their hides is no longer an acceptable pastime for a young prince, and nor is logging — deforestation being a leading cause of climate change or some other thing. Of course, the damage can be offset with cash if you’re a sleb, but it’s rather self defeating if it’s your own cash you’re stumping up, not the taxpayer’s.
Never mind – there are all sorts of other things the it-couple can do — though, given his aversion to public school bluffers, assistant to Dominic Cummings is probably out, no matter how weird their skill set:
Award show hosts
After Ricky Gervais stunned tinseltown by being, well, about as rude as the rest of the world is about tinseltown, Hollywood is looking for a fresh start — hosts with star power for their myriad award shows, who will pull in the audiences, share their views, charm the press, and, most importantly, are absolutely incapable of telling jokes. Wherever Prince Harry’s sense of humour is — my bet is it now inhabits the form of a portrait of him in a Nazi uniform slowly decaying in the attic at Windsor Castle — it can’t hurt Harvey Weinstein, Jeffrey Epstein, or any of the other folks actors of the world would both like to forgive and forget, which makes them perfect for the role. Perhaps if they do well at it, they could even get a talk show out of it — Prince Andrew would love a second crack at the whip to set the record straight.
As we all know, woke wins votes in Canada. Justin Trudeau, after all, is so desperate for approval he has on multiple occasions tried to pass as someone from an ethnic minority (or something like that) so Harry and Meghan, a mixed-race migrant couple, could easily carve out a role for themselves as politicians. Harry may feel high office comes naturally to him, given he was born to rule, and Meghan was born to rule Harry, so it would appear to be a situation that would suit all parties.
Then just think of the possibilities and fun that could be had — closing off diplomatic relations with Prince William, with whom Harry has fallen out, or imposing tariffs on Washington just to poke Trump in the eye. Finally, all the terribly right-on people — from Hollywood, London, and the staff of the New York Times — would have a new homeland they could finally drift off to, so that they can finally live their lives, and the rest of us no longer have to bear their constant threats to leave.
It is surprising, given its views on royalty, white people, fame and privilege, that the one paper that always seems to take the side of the couple is the Guardian, usually assuming that criticism of them is, and must be, grounded in racism. Frankly, that someone’s mind works that way says a little more about them than the rest of us, but anyway.
Harry and Meghan clearly have a lot of opinions, a lot of clout, and a lot of worthy causes — so why not take up full time column writing? Guardianistas would love to be able to claim the ‘anti-royals’, and would nod along approvingly reading their views on saving the world.
There’s nothing amusing, really, to say about this, as the situation itself is a big enough joke. The list of candidates reads like a who’s who of overconfident under-qualified chancers, with opinions so painfully metropolitan, poorly thought out and unrepresentative of normal people that the Duke and Duchess could conceivably look at the thing and say to themselves: ‘Nah, that’s too easy.’ It is a job that appeals to their politics, their aspirations, and one which they quite literally could not be worse at than the incumbent or any of the other aspirants. A first female ethnic minority leader, and a deputy with a distinguished military career behind him? That’s Number Ten material, surely?
Of course, what with another few series of The Crown in the pipeline, what better way to really get the public interested (after an insipid third season) than by getting two insiders to reprise their roles? It will be a return to the big screen for Suits star Meghan, and a chance for Harry to really express how he feels about his family, in a manner that gives him a degree of separation — he can blame his portrayal of his own behaviour throughout his life as artistic license. I look forward to watching it — and look forward to the second season of their characters featuring, when they get dropped and replaced as themselves after the studio decides they just aren’t good enough.
Quds Force Commander of the Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps
They do say that the Mandarin words for ‘crisis’ and ‘opportunity’ are the same. I don’t speak it, so cannot confirm, and have no idea if it is also the case in Farsi. Either way, a prestigious role in a very important international position of power has recently become available, one that many consider just a step away from the top job in the region itself. Experience is required of dealing with overbearing, elderly, conservative religious tyrants, so Harry should have no trouble applying his experiences of Christmases at Balmoral to working with the Ayatollah. He also has the military training and the beard, whilst his wife has made no secret of quite how much she despises the Great Satan Donald Trump.
Amazon depot worker
Or taxi driver. Or a shop assistant. Or call centre worker. After all, the Sussexes did say they wished to become financially independent through ‘professional work’ . Meghan worked her way up from nothing, whilst Harry served his country in Afghanistan. So perhaps they’d appreciate a bit of normality in their lives, to really meet the people their campaigns seek to help. Instead of hand outs from HM Treasury or Elton John, a normal job might be just what they’re after. Anything to help them fade into blissful obscurity and penury, which is of course what they both want.