Five things we’d all like to prorogue

    20 September 2019

    Who knew you could just pause parliament? We’re taking this as legislatively condoned conduct for every other aspect of our lives. As the supreme courts reach a decision over whether or not the prime minister’s actions are actually legal here are the six things we’d like to prorogue until we’re good and ready.

    1. Monday mornings

    If it’s good enough for the PM, it’s good enough for you. Just tell your boss you’re delaying Monday morning until Tuesday when you will reply to all his/her belligerent emails. If they have a problem with it, they can take it up with the Supreme Court (by which time it’ll be Friday anyway)

    2. Half term

    Don’t pretend you weren’t just a little bit relieved to be packing your little ones off to school at the end of the summer holidays. But, with half term around the corner, parents can’t rest on their laurels. Can’t we just postpone it and keep the pesky, sticky kids in school a while longer?

    3. The end of Summer

    Since it’s mid-September and still beautifully hot, someone may have already put in this prorogation request. And why not? All rules are out the window. Who knows what we can and can’t defer?

    4. Adulthood

    I’m sick of being an adult. I’ve tried it, it sucks. I would like to temporarily suspend this period of my life and return to my childhood. Mum- I’m moving back in for a couple weeks, please be ready to feed me, entertain me and encourage me to take regular naps. With the never-ending Brexit saga, it’s what we all need.

    5. My boyfriend’s orgasm

    For obvious reasons sometimes I’d like to delay this final moment. I don’t want to cancel it but just pause it until a time that suits me. Although, to be honest, I’ve already figured out a nifty hack. When I see the familiar twinkle in his eye, I gently whisper into his ear ‘Think of Brexit’ and it’s back to the starting post.