Credit: Getty

    4 alternative ways to leave the EU

    22 October 2019

    As the house of commons continues to obfuscate, prevaricate and waylay any and all attempts by the government to leave the EU, the expected routes out of the bloc are slowly drying up. Should the withdrawal agreement not be passed this week, we assess some more left-field options for Boris Johnson to deliver Brexit…

    Send Bercow to Brussels

    The Grand Tour of Europe is a time-honored British tradition, and frankly, it’s high time we got the Speaker out of the Commons for a bit, before we all go mad. We know how much Bercow loves to speak, so why not send him on a speaking tour to the grandest stages of all — the capitals of Europe, and the EU parliament, to grandstand as only he can?

    Four hours of his sedentary waffling and MEPs will start committing harakiri. They’ll veto a Brexit extension the moment he starts referring to himself as a ‘Citizen of Europe,’ and before the day is out, we’ll have them begging at our door: “S’il vous plait, messieurs, we’ll do whatever you want! Gott in Himmel, just make him stop!”

    Have a European Love child

    The PM has shown his negotiating prowess in getting a new deal so why not deploy his other great skill of getting women into bed.

    Yes, Europe’s leaders may act rationally and calmly now, but what will Mr Macron do when he stumbles in on our man from No. 10  engaged in a spot of, er, ‘diplomacy’ with his better half? Will that steely resolve give way to Gallic rage? He’ll be shouting ‘veto’ in no time at all.

    There’s never been a more opportune moment to lie back and think of England. Such underhand tactics might even spawn another love child — a useful EU mole to give us favourable treatment down the line?

    Change our name

    The UK may well be in the EU. But reading all the treaties, I don’t see anything about the British Empire, Little Britain, Perfidious Albion, Island McIslandface or Land of the Rising Blood Pressure. All are, respectively, more accurate or better-loved descriptions of our nation, and frankly, I feel it’s a loophole no one else has spotted. A simple title change solves all the issues — we’d be free of everything we were previously signed up to. Great Britain? Never heard of it, pal.

    Either that, or we could change our name to that of a country with whom the EU already has a pretty nifty series of agreements, and hope no one notices. Switzerland has always seemed like a nice place to live — good food, skiing, a fun banking system — and has already done the hard work of negotiating. So, welcome to Switzerland’s newest, most westerly province. We don’t really do neutrality, but we’re willing to learn.

    War with Spain

    The EU prides itself on its record of preventing war in continental Europe (with the exceptions of the Cold War, the assorted conflicts in the former Eastern Bloc, various Balkan wars, Northern Ireland, the Basque Country and the current conflict in Ukraine, none of which, conveniently, count). But if there’s one thing Britain prides itself on, it’s our record of starting, maintaining and finishing wars in continental Europe. It’s something we’re rather good at.

    So, what better way to get ourselves kicked out than picking a fight with a neighbour? France and Germany are the obvious choices, but we have a perfect record against the Krauts, and we don’t want to risk that unbeaten run. France, meanwhile, has nukes, and they remain a temperamental bunch. Best not risk it.

    Luxembourg has been spoiling for a fight recently, but squashing it would be little more than a pre-season friendly. For a proper scalp, Spain is the obvious choice. We have already established multiple auxiliary positions along the Costa Del Sol and Balearic Islands, and it will be nice to have the upper hand for once in terms of Armada size — Two aircraft carriers without planes is still bigger than no carriers at all.