Wellness: it’s a way of life

Embrace booze, carbs and caffeine in 2019 to bring out the new you

To inspire you to embrace wellness in 2019, I share my daily care ritual – new year, new you:

Mornings

I wake up at around 8.30am, after my seventh alarm finally gets through to me, and immediately rehydrate with a cup of instant coffee. Your body is at its most absorbent after you sleep, so the first thing you put in it is the most important. Plus the caffeine feels so #instagood.

Mindfulness

My early morning meditation routine revolves around sitting crossed legged, focusing on my breathing, in my flat located directly beneath a flight path. I like to recite the mantra ‘all my relationships are filled with love and understanding’ to myself for a few minutes, which reminds me of what is important to me: humanity. I then stand up and turn on the Today Programme, and spend the next half an hour being driven to violent, unholy rage by John Humphreys. It’s important to be in touch with all aspects of your emotions.

Exercise

Looking after my health is important to me: I do a high intensity interval set every morning as my girlfriend and I race for control of the bathroom, followed by a series of yoga stretches as I bend round her trying to get a sliver of the mirror to myself. I then replenish my electrolytes with another cup of instant coffee and a bacon bap. For lunch, I like to take a brisk walk to get blood flowing and to clear my mind – the walk to Tesco is generally a good 133 metres, and the Snickers I buy gives me the energy to make the journey back.

At the end of a long day, I like to go to the gym to let off steam. I mean that very literally, as it is mainly to use the sauna – I have a theory that I may be able to sweat myself thin if I go often enough. Clever, eh?

Work

I start work at 9.30am. I’m freelance so I make the most of it by sitting in front of the TV in my boxers, cornflakes down my front and a fag in one hand. This helps to keep me grounded, and appreciate the simple pleasures in everyday life. I use the ‘Pomodoro’ technique to work – 25 minutes spent on Twitter rounded off with five minutes of frenzied work, which I repeat until lunch. When I start to flag, I have a healthy, additive-free shot of grappa to tap into my creative subconscious.

Nutrition

Eating a balanced diet is essential for any wellness enthusiast. Pigs eat almost anything, so I eat mostly pork, as they have done the work of eating from a wide range of food groups for me. This is efficient and cost effective. I like making nice, healthy salads too; usually I’ll mix and match, using things like quinoa, red cabbage, spring onion, kale and olives, before deep frying the whole thing to give me the insulation I need to survive winter.

Technology

Limiting your screen time is vital for your health – there are all kinds of radiowaves and blue lights that can do long-lasting damage. I consider myself an expert in this, as I have spent many hours researching these dangers online. Instagram, though, is an important part of my wellness routine – without it, I wouldn’t get the dopamine hits I crave when someone likes the post of me in my boxers in front of the TV. Nor would I get to engage in the most essential part of embracing wellness; posting thumbs-up emojis on thinner people’s pictures to let them know that I, too, am a part of their community – at least in spirit.

Sleep

Getting the right amount of sleep can have such a major impact on your overall wellness, so to ensure I sleep well, I drink two bottles of red wine and a few drams of whisky every evening. I follow this up with the rest of the grappa and half a pack of sleeping tablets, before vomiting into the nearest receptacle (usually the printer) and sobbing uncontrollably down the phone to a friend to remove the ensuing toxins. I then refuel with half a brie to liven up my dreams before crashing into bed at 1am.


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