Woke Christmas gifts: a guide to virtue-giving

Forget toys and chocolate – it’s all about virtue this Christmas

Why not ditch the toys and chocolates this year and instead let the world know just how woke and full of virtue you really are.

A Virtue Gift will ensure that your family Christmas will never be the same again. Here’s our top selection:

Essential Oils of Essence

Treat you partner to the ultimate pleasure of relaxation through a reconnection with nature. By adding a single drop of Essential Oils of Essence to bathwater, the essence of Gaia is released to fill any standard bathroom with the mist of natural oneness. Carefully selected oils have been filtered from the organic biosphere to form a unique blend of hand-crafted nature. Each bottle is blessed with the spirit of ancient ceremonies by those who live in-tune with the rhythms of our ecosystem. Only £49.99 (5 cl.) from your local pharmacy or £69.99 for special edition with extra added nature.

Lived Experiences

‘Experiences’ are a great gift for the person that has everything. Hot-air ballooning, race-track driving and pamper weekends are great, but the pleasure is short-lived and the experience is superficial. With Lived Experiences you transcend your sheltered existence and embody the life of an oppressed or exploited person of your choice. Gain a wealth of anecdotes for future dinner parties.

The Migrant Experience – Starting in Afghanistan, take a three-month trek in the back of lorries across continents. Meet real-life people smugglers.

The Romanian Fruit Picker Experience– Get out of bed at 5 am every day for a week to pick cabbages from the fields of Lincolnshire.

The Nike Trainer Factory Girl Experience– Become a Cambodian factory girl for a week to earn money for your younger brother’s education.

The Emily Pankhurst Experience – for those with a sense of history. Dress up as Emily Pankhurst and demand increased equal pay for Hollywood actresses.

Scented Mood Candles

At dinner parties, these revolutionary candles add an extra dimension. By monitoring the conversation around the table, the candles use AI to sense and analyse the mood. The candles release a scent appropriate to the sentiment expressed. Popular aromas include despair, despondency and barely repressed anger. The ideal gift for friends working in education, the media and other intellectual circles.

Wooden Car

Your friends may have bought an electric car, like the Toyota Pious, to demonstrate their commitment to saving the planet. You can go a step further by treating the family to the revolutionary wooden car this Christmas. Yes, it’s true, Telsa has developed a car made of light-weight bamboo from sustainable forests. The car is 100 per cent carbon-neutral and powered by the carbohydrates residing within your family. Simply slide your feet through specially designed holes in the floor and utilise standard walking techniques to travel at anything up to running pace. Just imagine the faces of pedestrians as you and your family demonstrate the future of sustainable travel this Christmas.

Identity DNA Kits

DNA testing kits reveal our ancestry and ethnic make-up. Give the Identity DNA Kit to help your friends to unearth the identity that they wish to be. Are they really a woman trapped in a man’s body? Perhaps their white skin hides the Rastafarian within? Could they be a civil rights campaigner from 1968 trapped in the persona of a BBC news reporter in 2018? Or a Victorian campaigner for temperance re-incarnated as the CEO of Public Health England? This unique test helps people to find the true person within.

Pre-recycler

All good families understand that everything that they consume must be recycled. The revolutionary pre-recycler, helps you to go one step further. Use it to recycle gifts before they are unwrapped and you can create a negative carbon footprint to save the planet for the next generation. Imagine your children’s faces as you feed all their unopened Christmas presents into the Pre-recyler on Christmas morning! Keep the pre-recycler by the front door. When relatives arrive bearing gifts, you can feed them in straight away. Saving the planet is the greatest Christmas present that you can give your children.

Intergenerational Sub-title app

An ideal gift for an ageing parent who is struggling to make sense of the rapidly changing world around them. Awareness-raising subtitles are added to their favourite TV shows. Simply press the ‘woke’ button to add subtitles from world-renowned experts in intersectional de-construction theory. All dialogue will be analysed to identify colonial, patriarchal or oppressive speech and unconscious bias will be called out on-screen. Every period drama is turned into a truly educational experience.

Books

There are so many excellent books available this Christmas, here is our selection of the best:
‘Exploring New Genders’ by Dick Svorlanov
‘Going BAME’ by Adam White and Eve N. Whiterstill
‘Modern Feminism’ by Ivana Kutchakokov
‘Hating The Despicables’ by Lee Brule-Eleat
‘#MeNeither’ by Mo Stovuss
‘Celebrating My Vulnerability’ by Cressida Harpenden-Wells (Hollywood actress)
‘Shooting Myself in The Carbon Footprint’ by Lord George of Moonbatshire
‘How I Found Love in Islam’ by Rev. Christian St. John (retired)

Games:

Victim – the new family board game you won’t want to stop playing

Everyone loves to play board games once the turkey has been eaten on Christmas Day. Forget Monopoly, Trivial Pursuit or Twister, Victim brings the family together in a new way. Younger family members are encouraged to point out their parent’s deficiencies. Boys and girls advance by articulating the pain and trauma of being raised by mum and dad. Parents progress by denouncing the older generation and listing the irreparable and permanent mental scarring that they have suffered. Grandma and Grandad can only win the game by demonstrating contrition, regret and remorse, if it is truly accepted by the rest of the family. Grandparents who sign-up for a Swiss exit, can go straight to the winning square. This game makes Christmas a time of family healing.

Fairness Dice
Fairness and equality for all players in every game is ensured with this six-sided dice with a number 6 showing on each side.

Equality Playing Cards
Representatives of monarchical oppression are removed from this pack of playing cards. The Jack is replaced by the Jackie and all numbers are equalised. Guaranteed to ensure that the banker in the family loses the game of Pontoon.

Censorious Jenga
Remove ‘free speech’ bricks until there is no platform remaining.

Christmas Apology Cards

Demonstrate that you are entering into the Christmas spirit in an ironic way. Send cards which express shame and guilt about Christian traditions. Pick from:
Jesus apologising to Mohammed for the Crusades; Mary expressing regret that Jesus was not a girl; Father Christmas apologising for rampant consumerism.


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