To warm up, pour yourself a drink and…
If you voted Conservative, finish all of your drink.
If you voted Labour, share your drink with friends.
If you voted Lib Dem, decide you didn’t like the drink you were given, go for a second one to replace it.
If you voted SNP, do the same, but maybe with Scotch.
If you voted Green, pour your drink into a pot plant.
If you voted Ukip, make it a pint of strong lager (not continental).
If you voted for one of those mad independents, good for you. Take the night off.
If the exit poll makes you happy, sip your drink smugly.
If the exit poll makes you sad, neck it in one.
If the exit poll makes you feel nothing, perhaps turn over to Mock the Week.
If Houghton & Sunderland South beat their declaration record, raise your glass to their pointless endeavours.
If they don’t, laugh at the energy they wasted.
If Labour win Nuneaton, have a coffee because it’s going to be a long night.
If Ed Balls mentions Strictly, drink to his dignity (RIP).
If you spot Diane Abbott, drink to her health.
If a victorious Labour politician says they won ‘for the many, not the few’, drink many drinks, not a few.
If you spot a YouGov pollster after 10pm, turn off the lights and have a shot in the dark (vodka or gin).
If Theresa May wins more than 70% of the vote in Maidenhead, take a drink of something strong (and stable).
If Jeremy Corbyn wins more than 70% of the vote in Islington North, drink an organic cider or craft beer.
Once Richmond Park is declared, drink for every time Zac Goldsmith has lost an election since the start of 2016.
If Paul Nuttall loses in Boston, drink a pint to his political career.
If Nick Clegg loses in Sheffield Hallam, drink and wish him farewell in Dutch (‘Afscheid!’).
If George Galloway is wearing a fedora at the Manchester Gorton count, drink a shot of Cuban rum.
If Jacob Rees-Mogg says something in Latin, drink a glass of vino (vidi, vici).
If you see any Corbynistas crying like they’ve just seen their team lose a play-off final, have a drink on their behalf.
If the Conservatives win Dartford, start getting ready for work.
If Philip Hammond is speaking, you must be sipping a very dry white wine.
If you’re into the early hours and start feeling nostalgic for Ed Miliband, have a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich.
If you feel nostalgic for David Cameron, drink (you deserve it, Dave).
If anyone says they were ‘honoured to be part of Theresa May’s team’, finish your drink.
If anyone loses their seat and it’s described as a ‘Portillo moment’, finish your drink and have another one.
If you voluntarily laugh at banter between Osborne and Balls, go to bed without finishing your drink.