A handy guide to the Greens for the under 10s

Who Are the Greens?
People who love the planet earth are called Environmentalists or Greens.
Greens believe that the planet earth is being destroyed and everyone needs to work together to save it.
Greens think that people are bad – or often bad – and the planet is good. Some Greens call people a “cancer” on the earth.

Natural Is Good
The Greens believe that things that are already on the earth are “natural”. The Greens like natural things.
This includes trees, whales, snow leopards, icebergs, oceans, rainbows and lots more. Viruses, genetic defects, disease-carrying mosquitos, illness and death are all natural too. The Greens don’t mention these much.
The Greens believe that people are destroying nature when they make their lives better. Lots of people have better lives by using things made by modern science and technology.
The Greens don’t like modern things. They call them “un-natural”.

Some “natural” things are out to kill us. Humans are successful because we have protected ourselves from nature and shaped the world around us. In a fight between people and nature, Greens want nature to win.

Some “natural” things are out to kill us. Humans are successful because we have protected ourselves from nature and shaped the world around us. In a fight between people and nature, Greens want nature to win.

All Food Should Be Natural
The Greens like “natural” food. By “natural” they don’t mean that they just find their food in the countryside, but food is grown in an old-fashioned way.
The Greens don’t mind farmers using modern tractors, but don’t like them using modern farming techniques or inventions, like pesticides and biotechnology. They like food grown in a 1930s-type way.

Local, Local, Local
Greens like food which is grown near to where they live.
Greens don’t like farmers in other countries. They refuse to buy food from farmers who live in poor countries in Africa because it is infected with “food miles”.
Greens go to local “farmers’ markets” which sell sausages, jam and pickles and cheese when they are “in season”.
Farmers don’t go to these markets because they are busy working on the farm. The Greens haven’t met farmers before, so they don’t notice that the farmers are missing.
The Greens tell their friends that they have bought their food at a farmers’ market and their friends say, “Well done you!”
This makes Greens feel special and happy. It’s funny how that doesn’t make the African farmers feel special or happy.

Supermarkets Are Bad
Greens don’t like supermarkets because they sell food from around the world at low prices.
Greens prefer food that is grown locally, even if it’s more expensive. Luckily for the Greens, marketing companies have written “organic” on the more expensive food and when they show the label to their friends they say, “Well done you!”
This makes Greens feel special and happy.
Greens haven’t noticed that all food is actually “organic”.

Greens want food to be more expensive and only available once a year (when it is “in season”)

Greens want food to be more expensive and only available once a year (when it is “in season”)

Modern Food Is Actually Poison
In the olden times, most people spent their days growing the food they needed to survive. When there was bad weather and the food didn’t grow properly, lots of people died.
Nowadays, food is developed by “bio-technologists” and grown by a few people with big machines. There is enough food to feed everybody in the world and the food is interesting and tasty.
The Greens don’t like modern farming and they want to stop it. They shout “Franken foods” at bio-technologists and want people to grow their own food in animal poo.

Chemicals Are Scary
Greens don’t like chemicals. This is because the Greens think that chemicals are unnatural.
The Greens believe that chemicals are hurting people in secret ways that you can’t see, like wicked witches casting evil spells. The Greens think that chemicals cause diseases like cancer.
In fact, chemicals help fight diseases and make food better and last longer. People are living longer and healthier lives throughout the world. The Green’s press releases don’t seem to mention this.

Greenpeace activists say that your clothes are “contaminated” with hazardous chemicals. The Greens think that all chemicals are hazardous, including chloride (salt is sodium chloride).

Greenpeace activists say that your clothes are “contaminated” with hazardous chemicals. The Greens think that all chemicals are hazardous, including chloride (salt is sodium chloride).

Recycling Is Clever
Green people don’t like rubbish, even when it is put in tips and grass is grown on top. Greens like recycling.
Recycling means that all the things that are very common and easy to make are taken out of the rubbish and used again. So glass and paper and plastic is recycled, but all the rare materials, which are quite hard to make, are put in a big tip.
It is very clever.

Glass is recycled. Glass is made from sand.

Glass is recycled. Glass is made from sand.

What is the Greens Favourite Animal?
It is the Polar Bear.
Even though they love the Polar Bear, the Greens love pictures of Polar Bears that are ill, falling off icebergs or swimming a lot and looking tired. Greens send these pictures to their friends to make their friends sad. Greens like to make their friends sad. They like to be sad together.
Luckily, the Polar Bears don’t seem troubled by this. There are now more Polar Bears than ever before and they are doing very well.

There are more Polar Bears now than there were in the 1960s. This doesn’t stop the Greens saying Polar Bears are “endangered”.

There are more Polar Bears now than there were in the 1960s. This doesn’t stop the Greens saying Polar Bears are “endangered”.

What Is The Greens Favourite Plant?
The Greens don’t have a favourite plant. They like all plants and even took their name – the “Greens” – from the colour of leaves.
Plants have a favourite gas. It is called carbon dioxide and they grow strong and healthy when they have lots of it.
When plants first evolved there was lots more carbon dioxide in the air, but now there isn’t so much and sometimes kind farmers pump it into greenhouses so plants can grow healthy.
Greens like plants and trees; plants and trees like carbon dioxide; but Greens hate carbon dioxide. If the plants could talk, they would probably ask for more carbon dioxide from the Greens, but this would make the Greens very grumpy.

“Technology Miles” Are Good
Greens don’t eat food which has been transported on ships and lorries. This is because ships and lorries produce carbon dioxide. Greens are against “food miles”.
But that doesn’t apply to everything in the Greens’ world. iPhones, Samsung Galaxy phones and Apple Macs are also transported on ships and lorries, but the Greens like them because they can use them to send pictures to their friends of sad-looking Polar Bears.
Because of this, the Greens have not yet invented “technology miles”

Poor People Are Happy People
The Greens live rich countries like Britain, American and New Zealand, but they aren’t happy because of this. They think they would be happier if they lived in poor countries, where they didn’t have things like cheap food, electricity, railway travel and education.
The Greens think poor people are happier than rich people because they’re closer to nature. They look at pictures of them smiling and wish that they were poor and happy like them.
The Greens don’t move from rich countries to the poor countries to be happy and poor, but they do hang pictures of African people on the walls in their houses. Just looking at pictures of these poor, happy people makes them happy.

This is a Kenyan farmer. The Greens like having his picture on their walls, but don’t like his crops which are infected with “food miles”.

This is a Kenyan farmer. The Greens like having his picture on their walls, but don’t like his crops which are infected with “food miles”.

Do the Greens Like Other People?
The Greens think that there are too many people on the planet and that the planet will soon run out of things we need, like food and water.
The Greens are very frightened about this. They think that people are a “cancer”. The Greens haven’t suggested killing people yet, but sometimes they probably think about it.

Why Are Green Ideas Fashionable Now?
People used to think about ways to improve people’s live, particularly poor people. They argued about capitalism and communism and nationalism and socialism. All the “isms” were arguments about the future for people.
The Greens believe that people are the problem and that the planet needs to be saved from people. As political leaders stopped believing in the future for people, the Green idea became increasingly attractive. The leaders now have a cause that casts them as saviours without them having to offer an attractive future for people. This was perfect for them and the Greens.
All the politicians who used to talk about isms, now talk about the planet. Now they compete with each other to be seen who is doing more to “save” the planet.
The Greens should be happy, but they are still sad and grumpy. They are always sad and grumpy because they don’t much like other people.

Who Is the Leader of the Greens?
In the early days, the Greens grew beards and went in little boats to stop whales being killed. They didn’t have leaders.
But in the 1980s they shaved their beards off and started talking to the grown-ups.
The first real grown up to become a Green was Margaret Thatcher. In 1988, Margaret Thatcher had successfully defeated all her enemies and had run out of an “ism” to believe in.
A wise man called Sir Crispin Tickell told Margaret about a new cause that wasn’t an ism – it was “global warming”.
He said that she could be the leader that saved the planet.
Oddly, the Greens never said thank you to Margaret for talking to other world leaders about “global warming” and closing the coal mines in Britain. Maybe, it’s because the Greens think that they are left-wing and Margaret was right-wing. It was still a bit rude though.

Further reading
For a human-centred view of the world and to get an insight into the increasingly bizarre tactics of Greenpeace, Patrick Albert Moore’s Confessions of Greenpeace Dropout is a great read. It may even restore your faith in humanity and belief in the future.


Close